most of the time, i like to think that i am a live girl. i'd like to walk the line straight to where i'm going. but tonight, and many nights, i'm preoccupied with a blinking light. static buzzing, mind like honey, there's no thoughts in my head. there's no thoughts in my head. most of the time, i like to be the one pulling my own strings. i'd like to go a week without any food rotting or growing mold. but tonight, and many nights, i'm preoccupied with a blinking light. static buzzing, mind like honey, there's no thoughts in my head. eyes open wide, mind paralyzed, there's no thoughts in my head. after midnight, the radiator cracks to life. there's thoughts in my head. wish there were no thoughts in my head.

i can't wear anyone else's clothes. as i kid i was too tall, until i wasn't. i can't wear anyone else's coat. it's a fantasy, i know. and i'm not cold. you don't have to tell me i'm too much to love. i know, i know what i'm made of. and eventually you'll say enough is enough. i know, i know what i'm made of. i know, i know. i can't wear anyone else's clothes. what for you is so simple makes a fool of me. i can't wear anyone else's coat. you want me small, i know. and i still i grow. you don't have to tell me i'm too much to love. i know, i know what i'm made of. and eventually you'll say enough is enough. i know, i know what i'm made of. i know, i know. and in reoccurring nightmares i'm without a stitch to wear and nothing fits.

pictures of me, pictures of me, i don't believe. will you promise not to leave me, if i stop trying to be something i don't believe, i don't believe. will you promise not to judge me, if on my deathbed i cry out for something i don't believe, i don't believe.

it's easy to tell, paging through my photo album. a hand under my chin, my body hidden. what was i thinking? what were you thinking? a boy once told me if i wore more makeup i'd be the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. and i couldn't tell you, 'cause i knew what you'd say. i knew what you'd say. i hear it every day inside my head, even when the pictures change. stop telling me i'm pretty, ma, stop telling me. stop holding up the mirror, ma, i've got my memory. and i can't hear you. no, i can't hear you. and i'm afraid that i'll never feel affection the right way. your hand in my hair, a hand on my face. what would you say? what would you say? i hear it every day inside my head, even when the pictures change. stop telling me i'm pretty, ma, stop telling me. stop holding up the mirror, ma, i've got my memory. and i can't hear you. no, i can't hear you.

i've got a map on my skin, i can't control it. i've got a head that's caving in. can thoughts bleed? and i don't wanna cry at the doctor again today. they say, "girl, you've got a goddamn problem. you've got a goddamn problem." i recall a time lice filled my head, and my father said i was to blame for all the books i read. vampires and shit. and i don't wanna cry at the doctor again today. they say, "girl, you've got a goddamn problem. you've got a goddamn problem." i've got a body that's swollen. they call it a sin. i don't wanna take my medicine. it works from the outside in, and that's not my question. are my thoughts so inky black? is my mind just floating in it, no longer numb to the pain of everyday living? i told my dad i thought my brain was bleeding, and he cried. and i don't wanna scream at the doctor again today. they say, "girl, you've got a goddamn problem. you've got a goddamn problem."

on a sunny day i'll slit the blinds and play at embodying a femme fatale i'll kill anyone in my way. and on that day, you will keep pace, beside me. i don't need you to touch me, baby. i get off on the complicated way you will come to love me. you will come to love me. on a rainy day i'll brush my hair and say all the things i wanted to the drops are tears on your face. and in that way, you stay in your place, inside me. i don't need you to touch me, baby. i get off on the complicated way you will come to love me. i don't need you to honor me, i don't need you to obey me. i get off on the complicated way you will come to hate me. you will come to hate me.

you're puffy-cheeked, eyes closed with sleep, breath rattling--so i know you're alive. you breathe, i'm alive. breathe, i'm alive. breathe, i'm alive. birds sing inside the bars on our window, wings against metal--so i know they're alive. wings beat, i'm alive. beat, i'm alive. beat, i'm alive. i twitch and shake but nothing wakes you, my dear. my body aches--so i guess i'm alive. cry, i'm alive. cry, i'm alive. cry, i'm alive. don't turn on the lights, open up the window. tell me i'm all right, tell me that we're home. wanna hear your sounds vibrate in my bones. wanna build a wall of metal, and it'll echo: we're alive, we're alive, we're alive. shout, we're alive. shout, we're alive. shout, we're alive. we're alive.

i miss the passenger seat. food tasted sweeter. now five times a week i can play hookey, and we will meet over the table with crumbs in your coffee. and i will wear the same dress, and the same face. and you will say you're happy that we always go to the same place. it seems like all we do is sleep, and cross into another day. i want to kiss your drowsy head awake and say keep your eyes on the road. and i will wear the same dress, and the same face. and you will say you're happy that we always go to the same place. if i can make it, you can make it. if i can take it, you can take it. if i can't make it, you can make it. if i can't take it, you can take it. you can take it. and i will wear the same dress, and the same face. and you will say you're happy that we always go to the same place. we always go to the same place. we always go.

if we were smart, we wouldn't sleep in the same bed. you wouldn't feel my twitching feet, or wake when i lose my breath. no more struggles with the sheets, the pillows, or the bed frame. and we could finally wake, refreshed, having slept the whole night through. if we were smart, we wouldn't have chose to wed. you said you wouldn't until i took my meds, and i never did. marriage is a ball and chain, at least that's what i said. and aren't we too old, anyway, to make such big decisions on this stage. i don't know how people live their lives knowing when they close their eyes the final time their voices die. i don't know why we look for love in our lives knowing that their voices die, all voices die. if we were smart, we never would have even met. but you liked to draw, and i liked pretty verses about self harm. just imagine not going broke on a lease for a bedroom in the city. and wouldn't it be nice, at last, to have some fucking money and a little cat. i don't know how people live their lives knowing when they close their eyes the final time their voices die. i don't know why we look for love in our lives knowing that their voices die, all voices die. all voices die, so why wouldn't i? no one in my family makes it past sixty-five. your father already had cancer once, and so has mine. we really should be smarter than this at this point in our lives. hello, i love you, goodbye.

you left the car running. it's the right sound for when you wanna leave town. don't want to ask for anything. especially now. i wouldn't know how. and besides, you're already driving. said turn the radio up, because you don't wanna talk. and i don't wanna listen. and if we have to be here, i just want to be clear: no one's getting out of this one alive. we both let out a scream. it's a quiet sound, when i press my ear to the ground. imagine the earth rattling. just this once, it responds to my touch. and in time, we know the sun will take everything. said turn the radio up, because I don't wanna talk. and you don't wanna to listen. and if we have to be here, i just want to be clear: no one's getting out of this one alive. i said i hate my scars, so let's cut them open. and they'll be brand new. they'll be about me and you. me and you. no one's getting out of this one alive.

jupiter is a great teacher for what the mind cannot contain. countless times, i've told you with awe about its great red storm. and you smile and tell me that every time feels like the first. it's so hard to comprehend. and i tell you that is what it will feel like when i'm gone. countless times, i've told you, with awe and reverence. countless times, i've told you, crying, i'm going to die. jupiter is a great measure for what the mind can endure. countless times, i've told you of it size as i point out its light in the sky. and you smile and tell me that every light is like the next. it's so hard to keep straight. and i tell you that is what it will feel like when i'm gone. countless times, i've told you, with awe and reverence. countless times, i've told you, crying, i'm going to die. i am so small. we are so small. look at the lights, babe. i'm trying, babe. i'm fighting today. look at the lights, babe. look at the lights.

tiger lily was the best part to play. wore a headdress to school every day. the band so worn it would slide down my face. sunlight edging in around the dark shapes. we drove for miles with the safety breaks on. until the smoke filled up our lungs. my father thinks the world is not enough. something about cigarettes and rum. when i opened my mouth i swallowed a bug. my mother said i was too much to love. i drove for days but it's not enough. i want to be brave. so i make it up.